Even in laughter the heart may sorrow,
And the end of mirth may be grief.

...in more ways than one. Back in Melaka for good. Back to this blog. Inertia kept me from blogging even though I was technically free to start again 3 days ago.

am tired, though. "Psychologically fragile". So many changes in such a short time. And I'm coming, as it were, back into the pressure cooker. Not so much study stress ... personal-problem-stress. It's as if time stalled for years while I was at Seremban, and now that I'm back here, all my problems are starting again as if SPM just ended. Hmm. Need strength.

Today I was on the road with a suicide bomber. I was with him for all of half an hour, and paid him RM9 for the privilege of having him escort me home ("Sangat jauh la, he said, 7 ringgit tak boleh") When he dropped me off, he smiled when I said thanks, but I knew deep down in my heart that he was going to kill people someday soon.

He was a middle-aged, short and thin Malay man. His bomb was a Proton Saga painted green with a plasticky lit-up "Teksi" sign atop it and a tankful of auto gasoline. And the way he was driving so recklessly with a broken speedometer, he was just asking to die in a cinematic-scale explosion.

Oh, the places you find terrorists these days. (Sure struck terror into me at every turn. :P)

seeing the world in black and white
something doesn't quite
click in me when you try to talk
in red and green and blue
do I know you?
or am I just seeing fiction
sparks of friction
hallucinations come in colours
when I try to go to sleep.

the only bit of tone I'm wondering
faraway somewhere my heart in
sepia-tinted abstract art
none too smart
don't even let me start
talking higher criticism
mechanisms of docking and release

wait a little while I try
to put the hex together
recomposing channels
am I holding you back?
take a different tack
and talk as if I understand
I'll see what you see someday
faraway in a glance of light.

The last time I took this personality test 17 months ago my results came out like this:

• Introverted vs extroverted (27%)
• Intuitive vs sensation (56%)
• Thinking vs feeling (27%)
• Judging vs perceiving (1%)

Today:

• Introverted vs extroverted (33% - ~6%)
• Intuitive vs sensation (88% - ~ 32%)
• Thinking vs feeling (25% - ~2%)
• Perceiving vs judging (44% - ~45%)

Very weird la. Personality change already. If you knew me yesterday, do not assume that you are meeting the same person today ... I am not immovable, I am not immutable, I still have potential for growth, for change, to be less of a pain to people.

loner, more interested in intellectual pursuits than relationships or family, wrestles with the meaninglessness of existence, likes esoteric things, disorganized, messy, likes science fiction, can be lonely, observer, private, can't describe feelings easily, detached, likes solitude, not revealing, unemotional, rule breaker, avoidant, familiar with the darkside, skeptical, acts without consulting others, does not think they are weird but others do, socially uncomfortable, abrupt, fantasy prone, does not like happy people, appreciates strangeness, frequently loses things, acts without planning, guarded, not punctual, more likely to support marijuana legalization, not prone to compromise, hard to persuade, relies on mind more than on others

I need to push myself to pick up some disciplines I've let slacken in a long while.

perhaps the apple obeying gravity
just enjoys being its applish self.
perhaps the boring consistency
of lunar eclipses and planets' ellipses
are just the marks of mature identity
of rocks that know what they are.

the universe is real. am I?
I never stop falling in gravity
but I can't calculate falling in love.
maybe what you call my spirit or me
is just my humanity being unreal enough
to make my inconsistencies recognizably
funny, to your unreality.

I'm still mired in the present
always looking all about
forgetting what it is to look
back, or up, or in, or out.

there is a strange pain in
knowing yet not knowing
in the strange indeterminacy that is
me. In the wandering I am
allowed to be this or that simultaneously
but never here - never hear
the one observation that would
collapse this propagating wavefunction and
stop the incoherence and finally
allow me to be.

so long I doubted
the truth in words
the chance of love
with open mind
and locked heart
I ran.

and with iron resolve
I found harbor
struck anchor
moments later
I sank.

but now I know
that truth is found
in words of love
in lives lived high
and stories written so long ago
come alive on the
stage of my history
the history of

things unseen
wishes unheard
the strength to last
through the absurd
when all else failed
I found the answer
was the Word.

Dear MissMelodi,

Are you still the person that I know???

Being emo is quite like being drunk. Both can cause me to say ridiculous things any time after midnight and make silly decisions I know I will regret the next day. But, all my good stories start with "so there was this time when I was really emo ... "

sometimes growth demands struggle:
the hard dry soil, the fast hot wind,
the broken pavement, the unkind
weeds and words. but other subtle
growths are surrenders: the faded
genes, the shrunken seed, the jaded
smile, the discarded stubble.

and even when all goes well
the leaves must spread
the flowers must bloom
the fruit must fall. only
the roots grow deep together;
how few, how precious few, are
the friends who do not grow away!

INTERNET IS DOWN AND THERE IS NOTHING TO DO... ARGHH, LIFE IS FREAKING BORED WITHOUT INTERNET...

I am NOT Dead

but for some weird reason it took me a long time to update. no?

I am just updating for the sake of updating. I have been busy with a lot of things (and nothing) at the same time, what do I mean?

Its not like I am sitting at home just starring at ceilings, its just that I am occupied with things not interesting enough to blog about

things like, sleeping all day, eating all day, sleeping another day... that sort of stuff (things that I find super interesting but it'll bore the shit out of you)




though there's so much to think about recently, and I am fighting to keep everything organized (mentally).

feels like I wake up to a brain clog every morning and its not getting any easier every day.

Then there are times when I feel I am not putting enough effort doing what I should be doing. I always feel that I am rushing a little bit too much that I should slow down, but every time I slow down, it feels like I am just finding a reason to slack.

while everyone is busy thinking about Sem 6, I am already worried about my Internship in the coming semester [maybe not]. Its not as easy as it sounds, especially when you're taking so much risk all at one go.

I do not even understand education system fully yet, how to even start my Internship in the coming semester? what IS understand anyway?!



I was taking one thing at a time, knowing that it is absolutely impossible to do that. Things just keeps overlapping, and there is never a time when I can only be doing one thing at a time, because they are all co-related to one another.

or, you can't do one without doing the other




though I'm not making much sense now, I am not very detailed at the moment.

I hate to jinx things so I like to keep things like these to myself first until I get things sorted out.

until then, I hope it will be an interesting experience, and hopefully it'll be a smooth one as well



big risk big returns right? i hope so

So, I'm officially broke for the next few months. Here's to a quiet and hopefully fulfilling three weeks of university break, where I hope to get much work done, much reading sorted and much bodily rehabilitation in order.

I'm surprised by how much I miss them.

Those busy people, tapping away incessantly, churning out quality news articles. I miss them, as it turns out, quite a lot.

In the short close encounter of a day, maybe two, I feel like I had gotten to know some of them. The good chats, the learning, the persons - accummulating into a pool somewhere deep inside me, resonating to...

Goodbyes never do well...never do justice to the real things forged. At times, it's so much easier not to say it. As if admitting that things HAVE ended, save for the last few hasty seconds of handshakes and cries of 'goodluck'.

I wonder what has become of me.

KitSing, KitSing...sometimes you think too much...and sometimes when you should, you just don't do what you think you should.

A group of children were playing near two railway tracks, one still in use while the other disused.
Only one child played on the disused track, the rest on the operational track.

The train is coming, and you are just beside the track interchange.
You can make the train change its course to the disused track and save most of the kids.
However, that would also mean the lone child playing by the disused track would be sacrificed.
Or would you rather let the train go its way?

Let's take a pause to think what kind of decision we could make........ ........

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Most people might choose to divert the course of the train, and sacrifice only one child.
You might think the same way, I guess.
Exactly, to save most of the children at the expense of only one child was rational decision
most people would make, morally and emotionally.
But, have you ever thought that the child choosing to play on the disused track had in fact
made the right decision to play at a safe place?

Nevertheless, he had to be sacrificed because of his ignorant friends who chose to play where the danger was.
This kind of dilemma happens around us everyday.
In the office, community, in politics and especially in a democratic society,
the minority is often sacrificed for the interest of the majority,
no matter how foolish or ignorant the majority are, and how farsighted and knowledgeable the minority are. The child who chose not to play with the rest on the operational track was sidelined.
And in the case he was sacrificed, no one would shed a tear for him.

The great critic Leo Velski Julian who told the story said he would not try to change the course of the train because he believed that the kids playing on the operational track should have known very well that track was still in use, and that they should have run away if they heard the train's sirens..
If the train was diverted, that lone child would definitely die because he never thought the train could come over to that track! Moreover, that track was not in use probably because it was not safe.
If the train was diverted to the track, we could put the lives of all passengers on board at stake!
And in your attempt to save a few kids by sacrificing one child, you might end up sacrificing hundreds of people to save these few kids.

While we are all aware that life is full of tough decisions that need to be made,
we may not realize that hasty decisions may not always be the right one.

'Remember that what's right isn't always popular... and what's popular isn't always right.'

Everybody makes mistakes; that's why they put erasers on pencils.