how much you want something, is directly proportional to how much you will sacrifice, how much effort you put in, how much you won't give up.

and it's good to know, that sometimes, when you put a lot, you do end up getting what you want.

u know it's kinda funny, eventhough i tell ppl how badly i'm gonna do in a test, somehow, even when i really do get what i say i'll get, ppl still end up shock.

i guess in some way, (i dunno if it's a malaysian thing or not) we always tend to downplay(?) ourselves? like we tend to say that oh we're gonna fail/we're gonna do badly, but always end up doing pretty well. i'm pretty sure most ppl know someone like that.

and well, being a guy like me, it was always frustrating to hear smth like that. cuz when i say i'm going to get 5/25, i really do get that. and then u got another smart friend who's like, "Crap i'm gonna do so badly" and they end up getting 95% for the test. i used to find that REALLY annoying.

i didn't know why they do it. was it to make the dumb students like me feel better? like oh if the smart guys found it hard, means i'm not alone.


but then now i realise, there's just different standards between us. like smart kid, probably has high standards and expects to do well for the amount of effort he/she put in. so when they work that hard, they want to get that 100%. so when u know how much work u put in, and u don't manage to get that, hence, naturally you would say u do badly.

i mean, that's their standard. to them 95% is bad. and fair enough, for the amount of work they put in, u can't blame them for expecting more right?

so for the guys who don't do so well, we seriously shouldn't complain when someone says they'll do badly, and their badly is amazing to us.

it's probably just cuz of the fact that we have lower standards. and honestly, we shouldn't impose our standards on others. like why make someone set their bad to 50% when they know they have the ability to do well and set their "bad" level to 95%? in some way it's like you're stopping them from achieving their full potential.

as usual, i dunno if i'm making sense. but the point i guess i'm trying to get across is everyone has different standards. so ur friend has set his bad limit at 95%, you can't blame him for wanting to do so well right?


of course, on the other hand, if ur friend says he's going to FAIL, that's a whole different matter when he does (in your eyes) really well. cuz hey, Fail and whatever mark they got is FAR off. to me, that's still just bloody annoying. i mean, fail is like an absolute standard. there's no relative thing to it.

so yeah. that's it. i've learnt not to be frustrated when my friend says they're doing badly but still get an A. cuz hey, that's the standard they have set for themselves.

Yes, This Always Happens To Me

i’m going somewhere, and out of the corner of my eye i see someone.

So i turn and just glance at them. Cause they’re looking at me and I don’t wanna look like i’m staring.

So then i turn back my head to where I’m going. Then, a few seconds later I realise that was a person I’ve met before.

So I turn around to say hi.

BUT, most of the time the person is not looking at me anymore. Why? Clearly since i looked and turned away, it would seem like I don’t remember the person. SO that’s what they think.

So then it goes on that person thinks i don’t remember them. So the next time we walk past each other, I get ignored this time. Cuz hey, why say hi to someone who doesn’t remember you right? If you do, and the person doesn’t say hi back, you end up looking like a weirdo.

AND on top of that, I look like some arrogant guy who doesn’t remember ppl.

GR8.

and also, I have this feeling most people don't remember me. cuz after meeting one time, why would they remember me right? i guess i don't expect ppl to have the same memory to remember ppl like me.

BUT then, my memory aint that good either. like i have a prob remembering ppl's faces and names sometimes. however, this is like, soon after meeting them. so all the more i might ignore them if i walk past them or smth. the retarded thing is, after seeing them like probably 2 or 3 times more, that's when i recognise i've met them. but by then, i already seem like some perasan case who doesn't remember ppl.

it's like i'm made to be antisocial. gr8 la.

lol

i believe this is the time when i can express myself with total transparency, with absolute honesty. maybe its because its late and its the time when im tired. perhaps its similar to being tipsy/drunk but i dont know since ive nvr experienced that. its weird what late nights do to the mind.

Okay. I open my blog almost everyday out of habit, and I'm starting to see random patches of "kulat" forming.

I don't blog much this year, maybe it is because I'm always "busy" with University work (Uh-huh). After giving some thought, I believe the most probable reason why I seldom blog these days is because Facebook is starting to take over.

So yeah, looks like the "kulat" will take over for now...

Hmm...

Yeah.

so im done with internship and my body is all sore. just a shout out saying im alive and am still looking forward things to pick up.

right now im craving

a genuine laugh
a genuine sigh of relief
a genuine shout of victory
a genuine prayer of faith
a genuine conversation with a genuine friend
a genuine heart
a genuine shift towards responsiblity
a genuine smile
a genuine thought, gesture and action.

dear blog,

life throws things at me again and again yet i stumble through each time trying to find a solution. but the solution is always the same. the only solution has always been with me, within me.

this is a post where you get to see me stereotype people i meet in classes or lectures. yes, if you’ve been in a class with me, i’d most probably have stereotyped you in one category or another. yes yes, i do that and all these personalities stick to you, unknowingly, (because you wouldn’t have any clue ive labelled you).

let us start with..

THE I KNOW EVERYTHING BUT IM-OH-SO-KIND
symptoms:
tops everything in class.
sits around in library waiting for people to come over and ask questions about anything whatsoever.
has own unofiicial free “tuition”/”office hours” (in library).

THE I KNOW EVERYTHING AND IM-OH-TOO-GOOD-FOR-YOU
symptoms:
scores absurdly high in whatever exam taken.
comes in late for class/discussion/lecture every single time without fail.
does the crossword puzzle/sudoku in class while waiting for the teacher/professor to end.
answers “i dont know” or “sorry i wasnt paying attention” to anything asked by people around and yawns.

THE I KNOW EVERYTHING AND PROFESSOR-YOURE-OH-SO-WRONG
symptoms:
averages 10 questions per teaching session.
meets up with the teacher/professor after every teaching session to discuss what the teacher/professor could have done better in explaining or made a mistake because idontwantoembaressyouinfrontoftheclass.
tells the professor “could you speed up the class because its so slow”.

THE I KNOW EVERYTHING BUT IM-OH-SO-SHY
symptoms:
scores slightly lower than the top scorer in the particular class (always).
takes notes down on every single mundane detail.
has never opened mouth or uttered a single word or squeaked out a single sound for as long as you would know the person.

THE I DONT KNOW ANYTHING AND THE-WORLD-IS-OH-SO-UNFAIR
symptoms:
scrambles with homework everyday during the class and misses out on what is going on.
comes in late and bag splits open with books spilling out.
bloodshot, panda eyes.
starts complaining and complaining and complaining when you ask “are you okay?”

THE I DONT KNOW ANYTHING BUT IM-OH-SO-SEXY
symptoms:
doesnt know nuts about what is going on in class.
always goes up to the teacher/professor at the end/before of the class and talks about unrelated material. (and giggles a lot)
mysteriously gets all homework done.
always manages an above average in whatever class taken.

THE I DONT KNOW ANYTHING BUT IM-OH-SO-CAREFREE
symptoms:
tries to do things right and always manages to get the average score regardless of the effort put in be it crazy super huge effort or minimal effort.
doesnt mind missing class or homework or office hours because “i have to go to a beer pong match”.
takes typically 7 years to graduate with a degree.

which one are you?

today's thoughts

if i were a kid

when someone does something nice for me, i would be happy and i would like to do something nice in return for that person. from then on we become friends.

if i were a few years older

when someone does something nice to me, it is common courtesy to say thank you and if the chance arises, repay that kindness. from then on, i have to be extra careful because i am in debt.

if i were a kid

when i do stuff with other people and we share even just one single laugh, that laugh is genuine. from then on we become friends.

if i were a few years older

when i hang out with people, we try to share a laugh because we want to make everyone feel comfortable. from then on, i realize its nothing but a relationship on the surface level because we try too hard.

when i was young

i made friends without being politically correct, without keeping a safe distance to evaluate if it was beneficial for myself to have such company, without holding back my grace or care to protect myself from giving too much and receiving nothing in return, and without telling the person this is who i am and i expect you to respect that.

now, a few years later

i wonder how many rules have been set up by myself or by society that dictates what it takes to be a friend, how people now separate acquaintances and friends, friends and close friends, close friends and best friends.

if i were a kid

i wouldn't know any better. and i would love that.

rains, rains, go away; don't dampen me
with those slivering tears
falling from those great blue skies.
and can't the thunder and lightning
stop? so I won't have to wonder what I did.
I liked the light better when it came
with the rays of warmth of the sun
and didn't make my books undone
but if you won't be my sunshine then -
then go away, and come again another day.

This is what LIM KIT SING means :) ... Written by a friend of mine long ago to make me happy...

L -- Lame on MSN ( it's the truth, you asked for it)

I -- I think Charmaine's a very nice girl. (yes, I know that's what you always wanted to say)

M -- Melancholic mood most of the time. ( come on, put on that pinky cheeks I have)


K -- Kesejahteraan sahabat-sahabatnya is his main priority.

I --

T -- Tranquility (forever calm lah you)


S -- Singing partner

I -- Infatuated by his favourite phones. (You change more phones than I change bfs.)

N -- Never said NO to me so far

G -- Get back every weekend, will you??!!!

Why I Do Not Blog Often Nowadays?

Why I Do Not Blog Often Nowadays?

This is a question that brings out one's ability or skill of making excuses. However, even though the reasons are plainly excuses, it doesn't mean that one just makes them up in order to avoid something he enjoys doing - that is writing.

First and foremost, my laziness scale has hit all time sky high in recent weeks, following the everyday scorching hot weather. For this week itself, I have a moral presentation to be done, a case study to be amended after being checked by the lecturer, a beta briefing to attend and houses to visit and inspect.

Now I'm not complaining life is being unfair to me because I had my time but I didn't manage them in such a way that it'll minimise last minute work and stress. However, to get things done at eleventh hour has always been my way of doing things. In fact, for a lot of Malaysians, who're as not organised as I'm, do things this way too - get the task description in week one and start procrastinate until the week of the due date. It's just not Malaysian enough to get things done so early. It probably makes me feel too empty for the rest of the days since everything is already done.

Stupid, right? But stupid is as stupid does. Lol. Anyway, this habit shouldn't stick to us until we're old and almost dead. If all your life, the most that you've done is to procrastinate all the time, then I believe when you're on your deathbed, you might recall the things that you could've done and accomplished should you have not been lazing around and procrastinating.

Or probably you might just want to procrastinate dying then.

Stop procrastination - it kills.

Even in laughter the heart may sorrow,
And the end of mirth may be grief.

...in more ways than one. Back in Melaka for good. Back to this blog. Inertia kept me from blogging even though I was technically free to start again 3 days ago.

am tired, though. "Psychologically fragile". So many changes in such a short time. And I'm coming, as it were, back into the pressure cooker. Not so much study stress ... personal-problem-stress. It's as if time stalled for years while I was at Seremban, and now that I'm back here, all my problems are starting again as if SPM just ended. Hmm. Need strength.

Today I was on the road with a suicide bomber. I was with him for all of half an hour, and paid him RM9 for the privilege of having him escort me home ("Sangat jauh la, he said, 7 ringgit tak boleh") When he dropped me off, he smiled when I said thanks, but I knew deep down in my heart that he was going to kill people someday soon.

He was a middle-aged, short and thin Malay man. His bomb was a Proton Saga painted green with a plasticky lit-up "Teksi" sign atop it and a tankful of auto gasoline. And the way he was driving so recklessly with a broken speedometer, he was just asking to die in a cinematic-scale explosion.

Oh, the places you find terrorists these days. (Sure struck terror into me at every turn. :P)

seeing the world in black and white
something doesn't quite
click in me when you try to talk
in red and green and blue
do I know you?
or am I just seeing fiction
sparks of friction
hallucinations come in colours
when I try to go to sleep.

the only bit of tone I'm wondering
faraway somewhere my heart in
sepia-tinted abstract art
none too smart
don't even let me start
talking higher criticism
mechanisms of docking and release

wait a little while I try
to put the hex together
recomposing channels
am I holding you back?
take a different tack
and talk as if I understand
I'll see what you see someday
faraway in a glance of light.

The last time I took this personality test 17 months ago my results came out like this:

• Introverted vs extroverted (27%)
• Intuitive vs sensation (56%)
• Thinking vs feeling (27%)
• Judging vs perceiving (1%)

Today:

• Introverted vs extroverted (33% - ~6%)
• Intuitive vs sensation (88% - ~ 32%)
• Thinking vs feeling (25% - ~2%)
• Perceiving vs judging (44% - ~45%)

Very weird la. Personality change already. If you knew me yesterday, do not assume that you are meeting the same person today ... I am not immovable, I am not immutable, I still have potential for growth, for change, to be less of a pain to people.

loner, more interested in intellectual pursuits than relationships or family, wrestles with the meaninglessness of existence, likes esoteric things, disorganized, messy, likes science fiction, can be lonely, observer, private, can't describe feelings easily, detached, likes solitude, not revealing, unemotional, rule breaker, avoidant, familiar with the darkside, skeptical, acts without consulting others, does not think they are weird but others do, socially uncomfortable, abrupt, fantasy prone, does not like happy people, appreciates strangeness, frequently loses things, acts without planning, guarded, not punctual, more likely to support marijuana legalization, not prone to compromise, hard to persuade, relies on mind more than on others