...in more ways than one. Back in Melaka for good. Back to this blog. Inertia kept me from blogging even though I was technically free to start again 3 days ago.

am tired, though. "Psychologically fragile". So many changes in such a short time. And I'm coming, as it were, back into the pressure cooker. Not so much study stress ... personal-problem-stress. It's as if time stalled for years while I was at Seremban, and now that I'm back here, all my problems are starting again as if SPM just ended. Hmm. Need strength.

Today I was on the road with a suicide bomber. I was with him for all of half an hour, and paid him RM9 for the privilege of having him escort me home ("Sangat jauh la, he said, 7 ringgit tak boleh") When he dropped me off, he smiled when I said thanks, but I knew deep down in my heart that he was going to kill people someday soon.

He was a middle-aged, short and thin Malay man. His bomb was a Proton Saga painted green with a plasticky lit-up "Teksi" sign atop it and a tankful of auto gasoline. And the way he was driving so recklessly with a broken speedometer, he was just asking to die in a cinematic-scale explosion.

Oh, the places you find terrorists these days. (Sure struck terror into me at every turn. :P)

seeing the world in black and white
something doesn't quite
click in me when you try to talk
in red and green and blue
do I know you?
or am I just seeing fiction
sparks of friction
hallucinations come in colours
when I try to go to sleep.

the only bit of tone I'm wondering
faraway somewhere my heart in
sepia-tinted abstract art
none too smart
don't even let me start
talking higher criticism
mechanisms of docking and release

wait a little while I try
to put the hex together
recomposing channels
am I holding you back?
take a different tack
and talk as if I understand
I'll see what you see someday
faraway in a glance of light.

The last time I took this personality test 17 months ago my results came out like this:

• Introverted vs extroverted (27%)
• Intuitive vs sensation (56%)
• Thinking vs feeling (27%)
• Judging vs perceiving (1%)

Today:

• Introverted vs extroverted (33% - ~6%)
• Intuitive vs sensation (88% - ~ 32%)
• Thinking vs feeling (25% - ~2%)
• Perceiving vs judging (44% - ~45%)

Very weird la. Personality change already. If you knew me yesterday, do not assume that you are meeting the same person today ... I am not immovable, I am not immutable, I still have potential for growth, for change, to be less of a pain to people.

loner, more interested in intellectual pursuits than relationships or family, wrestles with the meaninglessness of existence, likes esoteric things, disorganized, messy, likes science fiction, can be lonely, observer, private, can't describe feelings easily, detached, likes solitude, not revealing, unemotional, rule breaker, avoidant, familiar with the darkside, skeptical, acts without consulting others, does not think they are weird but others do, socially uncomfortable, abrupt, fantasy prone, does not like happy people, appreciates strangeness, frequently loses things, acts without planning, guarded, not punctual, more likely to support marijuana legalization, not prone to compromise, hard to persuade, relies on mind more than on others

I need to push myself to pick up some disciplines I've let slacken in a long while.