I think the expression is ‘for fucks’. In my case it would be writing for fucks. It is a slap in my own face, sensible and austere me who does not believe in excess - won’t the world be a cluttered place if everyone were fully free to express their frivolous thoughts out and should anything/if not everything of no aesthetic/intellectual worth be burnt. Here I find myself, failing to grasp at words and my own person, and feeling the need to write for writing’s sake! I violate myself!

I am too hard on myself. But it stems from a sense of order, a perfection. And it drives me.